216 days ago I started a journey that has drastically changed my life. I haven't shared what I've been doing with many people, mostly out of fear - fear that I would fail and that everyone would know how weak I am. After more than six months, I'm finally starting to feel like it's safe to open up to people, to be vulnerable even though it scares me. After all - this is my year to face my fears.
After a miscarriage, 2 stressful moves, and going through some stressful job changes over the last 3 years I found that all of my bottled feelings were starting to show physically. My hair was coming out in clumps. My natural curl was disappearing, I had horrible headaches, my nails were brittle, my feet hurt, my brain wasn't working (I often had to rely on Chris because I couldn't even remember details from my own life), I felt tired all of the time, I cried a LOT and every mole hill was Mount Everest. And worst of all, I was angry all of the time. It didn't matter what my children did - I felt angry. I felt like a horrible mother. I didn't know how to control it. I would try to hold my anger in, and I would do ok for a while and then EXPLODE! I prayed and prayed for help - and I tried so hard to do better, but I just couldn't figure out what to do. I felt broken.
In September of 2014, I was at the end of my rope. I was having very scary negative thoughts. I felt like I had nothing to live for. My husband, sister and my mom were trying to reach out to me and I couldn't let them in. I was too afraid. I felt like I had to face this alone. Nothing was wrong with me - I'd been to a few doctors and my blood work said I was fine. But I wasn't telling them what was going on in my head - I didn't feel like doctors really cared anyhow. I couldn't tell anyone.
I heard an ad on the radio about Red River Health. Finally after about two weeks of hearing the ad every single day I told my sister about it. She encouraged me to give it a try. I was so nervous. I didn't want another doctor to tell me that nothing was wrong with me. I just wanted someone to believe that I didn't feel good, even though my blood work said I should feel fine. My sister gave me the courage to call - and held me to it. I wanted to back out as soon as I made the initial call, I was so scared.
Dr. Swindlehurst listened, did blood work and then put me on an anti-inflammatory diet. Taking out all comfort foods like dairy, gluten, sugar, pork, soy, beef, potatoes and even tomatoes. I honestly didn't know if I could do it at first. It was all so overwhelming, but I decided to give it a try and do one day at a time. I found that as I planned out my week of meals, I started to succeed. I kept a food journal and I learned so much about myself and how my body reacts to certain foods.
I don't restrict the amount of food I eat, only WHAT food I eat. I have never gone hungry - I promise! I eat way more than I used to!
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a perfect mom now. And I still have bad days. And I don’t ever plan on being 100% happy every day. But now I function on a more normal level. I handle stress and change in a much healthier way. I am deeply ashamed of where I was. I am ashamed of who I was. But I can’t dwell on that – it doesn't make me a better person. Moving forward and continuing to figure out what foods affect me WILL make me a better person. I hope to be the mother and wife I have always wanted to be and I’m learning to be that person more and more each day. I am learning about my body and its ability or inability to have certain foods. I've slowly started adding foods back into my diet and assessing what reactions I have. Some I've been able to keep, others I've had to say goodbye to for longer. I don’t know how long this process will take, perhaps a lifetime. I've learned that food really affects me, both physically and emotionally. We all have challenges in life and this is just my current challenge. I choose to take this experience and learn from it. I’m just happy to have finally found something that has helped.
And if I can help someone else find the courage to reach out for help, I'm here.
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