My Valentine

For about a month now I've had February 14th marked on my calendar. I was looking forward to this day more than usual. Not for the Valentines I would get, or the school party I got to attend... I had it marked as the day I would announce! I thought it would be fitting to announce our fourth child on a day of love! But....

February 13th came and I went to my first doctor's appointment. Chris even got to come with me (a miracle in and of itself during busy season). I was 10 weeks along, and this is the longest we've ever waited to tell family and friends that we were expecting. But one look at the ultra sound told us that this time would be different. The baby had no heartbeat.

We were heart broken. We embraced each other and we embraced the hope that someday we'd understand. I have been surrounded by love and support and I am so grateful for my family and friends who have reached out to me and helped me the last few days.

Valentines Day was spent at the hospital waiting for my turn to have a D&C. Not the most memorable Valentines Day! But the silver lining - I haven't spent a Valentines Day with Chris since he's worked at Deloitte! (this would have been the 6th year) So - I got to have him hold my hand and hold my heart the entire day. I couldn't have done it without him.

I didn't expect a miscarriage to be so emotional. I didn't understand - I was so naive. The pain and heartache of the loss is real. But I know that the Lord is truly mindful of me and has already put people in my path to help me along the way. There are so many women in my life that understand the pain, who have gone through those same emotions and heartache. It is a tender mercy that we can lift and bless each other through these times.

It's been interesting that my testimony has already grown 10 fold in the last few days. I didn't realize such hurt could bring such spiritual moments. There are so many tender mercies that I cannot ignore. And I am sure that there are more spiritual moments to be had in this experience. I have to just keep repeating Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

I don't pretend to understand why this happened. But I do trust in the Lord that He has a higher purpose for all things. I have faith that he will direct me in my next steps and decisions.

I think this experience was hardest for Abigail to understand. She was so excited about having another baby. She was hoping it would be a little sister. (I was too). It was really hard to tell her that the baby had died. She couldn't understand why or how. But we came closer and we talked through our feelings and hopefully she will be sympathetic to others who go through this. She has a tender heart, and constantly gives me hugs and reassurance that things will be ok. She is more in tune with the Spirit than even I am.